Executive Presence and Kindness

Can we be too nice?

This is a question I’ve been carrying with me for a long time.

Not because I ever doubted the value of kindness.

I don't. It is one of my core values.

However, because something about the way niceness showed up in my own experience never quite settled.

There were moments when being described as kind or warm felt slightly uncomfortable. Not wrong. Just incomplete.

At times, I wondered whether it was holding me back.

I noticed that people who were more direct, more forceful, sometimes frankly less nice, often seemed to move faster, get further, or be taken more seriously.

That observation stayed with me.

And yet, I didn’t want to give up being kind. I didn’t want to harden myself, perform toughness, or become someone I didn’t recognise.

So instead of reacting, I started paying attention.

Over the past few years, I’ve been watching.

Reading.

Listening.

Observing leaders across industries, particularly in finance, but not only there.

And slowly, a different understanding began to form.

What I began to notice

Earlier in my career, especially in finance, I prided myself on being thoughtful, measured, collaborative.

I listened carefully.

I prepared well.

I tried to take others with me.

None of that felt like a mistake.

But I also began to notice moments where I would soften a point, delay a challenge, or leave my thinking implicit.

Not because I lacked conviction, but because I didn’t want to unsettle the room.

It was subtle.

Often well intentioned.

What stood out was that the people who seemed to progress more quickly weren’t necessarily smarter or more capable.

They were clearer.

They made their thinking visible.

They signalled where they stood.

They were precise, even when they were wrong.

And that precision created presence.

This isn’t about being less kind

I want to be clear about this. I don’t believe the answer is to stop being kind.

And I don’t believe that being less nice is the same as being more effective.

What I’ve come to see is that the real tension isn’t kindness versus strength.

It’s kindness versus precision.

This is where Brené Brown articulates something that, for me, landed deeply:

Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.

In other words, kindness isn’t about cushioning discomfort or avoiding tension.

It’s about giving people enough clarity to orient themselves, decide, and move forward.

Many thoughtful, relational personalities are deeply skilled at sensing others, holding nuance, and reading the room.

Under pressure, those strengths can quietly turn into over explaining, hedging, or leaving conclusions unsaid.

The intention is care.

But the impact can be a blurred signal.

Personality, pressure, and the nervous system

Personality plays a role here, but it’s not the whole story.

Some leaders are naturally direct and decisive.

Others are reflective, relational, and careful with words.

Neither is better.

But under pressure, especially where reputation, capital, or growth is at stake, our nervous system looks for safety.

For some, that safety shows up as smoothing and accommodating.

For others, it shows up as pushing and controlling.

From a neuroscience perspective, this makes sense.

As Lisa Feldman Barrett explains, the brain is constantly predicting and trying to protect social standing and belonging.

The challenge is that influence doesn’t depend on intention.

It depends on clarity.

Not certainty.

Clarity.

Why this matters far beyond finance

Finance is where I first noticed this pattern most clearly. Perhaps because ambiguity there has immediate consequences.

But I now see it across many industries.

Founders growing and scaling businesses.

Leaders navigating change.

Professionals stepping into more visible roles.

In any system where direction, trust, and decision making matter, people look for clear signals.

When leaders are kind but imprecise, others fill in the gaps.

Not maliciously.

Inevitably.

That’s often where influence quietly slips.

Where I’ve landed so far

I don’t think being nice held me back.

What may have held me back at times was not being clear enough, early enough.

And I don’t think the leaders who moved faster did so because they cared less. I think they signalled more clearly.

This reflection is still unfolding for me.

But one thing feels increasingly solid:

Kindness doesn’t undermine executive presence.

Lack of clarity and precision does.

This aligns closely with the work of Sylvia Ann Hewlett, whose research on executive presence highlights how gravitas is less about dominance and more about clarity of thinking, signalling, and decision-making.

A few practical reflections to take with you

If this resonates, you might find these questions useful:

• Where do I soften my message when clarity would serve better?

• Am I prioritising comfort over precision in certain conversations?

• What would it look like to be clearer without being less kind?

• How might clarity itself be an act of care?

  
  

A gentle invitation

If you’re navigating a transition, stepping into a bigger role, or sensing that how you show up matters more than ever, this is exactly the kind of work I explore with clients.

Not about changing who you are. About using your strengths with greater intention and impact.

If you’re curious, you’re very welcome to get in touch or book a thinking conversation. No agenda. Just space to reflect and sharpen what matters.

Resources I’ve found helpful

If you’d like to explore this topic further, these are a few resources I often return to:

• Executive Presence by Sylvia Ann Hewlett

• Dare to Lead by Brené Brown

• Research by Lisa Feldman Barrett on how the brain predicts and responds to social threat

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