Rethinking Feedback

katrincharlton
Jan 24
4 min read

“Can I give you some feedback?”

Even when it’s well-intended, that sentence often lands with tension.

Shoulders tighten.

Attention narrows.

Defences quietly come online.

That reaction isn’t weakness or sensitivity. It’s human biology.

Somewhere along the way, feedback became synonymous with criticism - something delivered formally, infrequently, and often too late to be genuinely useful.

And that’s a problem. Because growth doesn’t happen in annual rituals. It happens in ongoing, human conversations.

Why It Hurts

Neuroscience helps explain why feedback is so often experienced as uncomfortable - or even painful.

Research in social neuroscience shows that social evaluation and criticism activate similar neural networks to physical pain, particularly regions linked to threat and distress. The brain does not neatly separate “professional feedback” from “personal threat”.

In simple terms:

Being criticised can feel like exclusion or rejection
The brain moves quickly to protect status, belonging and safety
Once this happens, openness and learning drop

This is why even carefully worded feedback can miss the mark.

It’s not about intention. It’s about state.

When the nervous system is in protection mode, feedback does not become fuel for growth. It becomes noise. At worst, it quietly creates withdrawal, caution, or disengagement.

The cost is not just a difficult moment. It is lost learning, eroded trust, and unrealised potential.

The Real Issue

In many organisations, feedback is still:

Saved for formal reviews
Backward-looking
Weighted towards what went wrong
Delivered once frustration has built up

By the time it’s shared, it’s no longer guidance - it’s residue.

And when feedback arrives infrequently and under pressure, the brain is far more likely to experience it as threat rather than support.

Instead of improving performance, it can quietly erode trust, confidence and motivation.

Feedforward Focus

This is where Marshall Goldsmith offers a powerful reframe with the idea of feedforward.

Rather than analysing what went wrong, feedforward shifts the conversation towards:

What’s possible next
What would help going forward
What small changes could make a real difference

From a neuroscience perspective, this matters.

Future-focused conversations are less threatening and more engaging for the brain.

They invite problem-solving, agency and choice - all of which support learning and motivation.

Feedforward doesn’t ignore the past. It simply refuses to get stuck in it.

Timing Matters

Feedback itself isn’t the issue.

Timing, tone and frequency are.

Most people don’t grow because someone pointed out their gaps once or twice a year. They grow because they feel:

Seen
Encouraged
Challenged with care
Supported in real time

Which brings us to something still undervalued.

Celebrate More

One of the most powerful – and still underestimated – leadership behaviours is celebration.

And it does not need to be big.

In fact, the most effective celebrations are often small, quiet and specific.

Not inflated praise.

Not grand gestures.

But everyday moments of noticing.

“I noticed how you handled that conversation – it created calm.”
“That pause you took shifted the energy in the room.”
“Your judgement there helped others feel safe to contribute.”

Neuroscience shows that recognition supports motivation, learning and confidence. It strengthens neural pathways linked to effective behaviour, making it more likely to happen again.

What I’ve seen time and again in my work is that this small shift is often a real game changer.

Many of my clients start out focused on giving better corrective feedback. What creates the biggest change, however, is when they begin naming what is working, more often and more intentionally.

Suddenly, conversations soften.

Trust builds faster.

Challenge lands more cleanly when it is needed.

Celebration is not soft leadership. It is precise leadership.

And it creates the psychological safety that allows people to stretch, learn and grow.

Radical Candour

The idea of Radical Candour often comes up here – and when practised well, it is powerful.

In Radical Candor, Kim Scott describes leadership as balancing caring personally with challenging directly.

Miss one, and things unravel:

Care without challenge becomes avoidance
Challenge without care becomes threat

Radical Candour is not about bluntness. It is about trust built over time, through regular, respectful conversations – not occasional confrontations.

I will go deeper into Radical Candour in a separate blog, because it deserves its own space. In particular, how it plays out in real leadership conversations, and where it is often misunderstood in practice.

What Not To Do

Common traps I still see:

❌ Saving everything for reviews
❌ Speaking in generalities
❌ Giving feedback when emotions are high
❌ Making it about personality, not behaviour
❌ Treating feedback as something you give, not something you share

A Simple Structure

If the word feedback feels heavy, try this structure for everyday performance conversations:

1. Observe

“What I’ve noticed is…”

Stick to what you actually saw or heard.

2. Impact

“The impact was…”

Link behaviour to outcomes.

3. Reflect

“How do you see it?”“What was your intention?”

This keeps the nervous system calmer and thinking engaged.

4. Feedforward

“Looking ahead, what would you try next time?”

“What support would help?”

One forward step is usually enough.

This structure works just as well for celebrating strengths as for addressing challenges.

Make It Ongoing

The biggest shift isn’t in saying things perfectly.

It’s in saying them sooner. And saying them more often.

When conversations are regular:

Feedback loses its sting
Trust deepens
Learning accelerates
Performance improves naturally

So perhaps the better question isn’t:

“How do I give better feedback?”

But:

What kind of conversations am I having - and how often?

Leadership isn’t built in annual reviews. It’s built in everyday moments of noticing, naming and nudging people forward.

A Gentle Invite

Thank you for reading.

If you are leading people, shaping culture, or navigating growth under pressure, this work matters.

If you would like support with:

strengthening everyday leadership conversations
evolving feedback into feedforward
supporting leaders or teams through change and development

you are very welcome to get in touch.

I offer a complimentary discovery call to explore what might be most helpful - for you, your team, or your organisation.

Go Deeper

If you’d like to explore this further:

Radical Candor – Kim ScottA practical framework for balancing care and challenge, and for building trust through regular, honest conversations.
Social – Matthew LiebermanA social neuroscience lens on why feedback, criticism and exclusion can feel so threatening to the brain, and why connection matters for learning.
Why Feedback Falls Flat – Marshall GoldsmithA clear, accessible explanation of why traditional feedback often fails, and what works better instead.