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Filtering, Not Fencing
- katrincharlton
- Nov 7
- 3 min read
How leaders stay open without being drained
Ever left a meeting or conversation feeling heavier than when you walked in?
That subtle tension in your shoulders, the mental fog afterwards, or the thought that keeps looping in your head long after the discussion ends?
In leadership, these moments happen often — difficult conversations, emotionally charged topics, or people who seem to drain more energy than they give.
And while it’s tempting to push through, leaders who constantly absorb the stress of others eventually run on empty.
The art lies in learning to stay open — without being overwhelmed.
Boundaries Are Not Walls
Boundaries in leadership are often misunderstood. They aren’t about distance or control but about clarity and respect — for yourself and for others.
Think of them as filters rather than fences: they allow connection while protecting focus and wellbeing.
When leaders model healthy boundaries, they give others permission to do the same. Teams perform better, communication improves, and trust grows.
Neuroscience backs this up: when we protect our “mental bandwidth”, the prefrontal cortex — responsible for rational thought, empathy, and decision-making — stays active. But when we’re constantly overexposed to stress or negativity, the brain slips into survival mode. Creativity and perspective narrow, and so does patience.
As Dr. Dan Siegel explains in The Mindful Brain, practising awareness helps us shift from reactivity to response — the foundation of emotionally intelligent leadership.
Notice the Drain
Start by observing where your energy goes.
Ask yourself:
Which conversations or people leave me feeling drained?
What boundaries are being crossed — time, energy, or alignment with my values?
What part of this is within my control?
Awareness is the first step to reclaiming your energy.
Reflect Before You React
When emotions run high, pause before responding.
Ask: Do I need to engage, influence, or step back?
Reframing the situation helps. Seeing a colleague’s behaviour as information rather than a personal trigger allows for greater perspective.
As Dr. Brené Brown writes in Atlas of the Heart, boundaries are an act of compassion — they make relationships clearer and kinder.
Set the Boundary with Intention
Boundaries can be simple and respectful:
“Let’s pause this for now — I’d like to revisit it when we’re both clearer.”
“I need some time to process this before responding.”
“I value this discussion, but let’s keep it focused on solutions.”
Consistency matters. Boundaries work best when they’re lived, not just declared.
In organisations, leaders who demonstrate healthy boundaries set the tone for psychological safety. They show it’s possible to care deeply and protect one’s focus.
Refocus Your Energy
Each time you say no to what drains you, you say yes to what matters — clearer strategy, better listening, sharper decisions.
As a leader, you can’t control others’ behaviour, but you can choose how much mental real estate you give it.
A Small Neuroscience Nugget
Our brains are wired for connection. Through mirror neurons, we subconsciously absorb the emotional energy of those around us. That’s why a team absorbs a leader’s stress — or calm.
Choosing where to place your attention isn’t just self-care; it’s organisational leadership. It shapes culture.
If you’d like to explore this further, I recommend Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor’s TED Talk “My Stroke of Insight”, where she beautifully illustrates how consciously shifting focus changes our internal state — and how others experience us.
A Reflection for the Week
🧭 Where might you need to filter, not fence — to lead with clarity while protecting what truly matters?
Dig Deeper
For leaders and organisations looking to explore this further:
Dr. Dan Siegel – The Mindful Brain – on awareness and regulation.
Brené Brown – Atlas of the Heart – on boundaries as compassionate clarity.
Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor – “My Stroke of Insight” (TED Talk) – on choosing emotional focus with intention.
When I work with leaders and organisations, this is often where the real transformation begins — not in doing more, but in learning where to focus energy .If this resonates, let’s explore how you or your leadership team can strengthen focus, boundaries, and presence.
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