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Grace & Grit
- katrincharlton
- Dec 17, 2025
- 2 min read
Can you hold high standards and be kind to yourself?
It’s a question that comes up again and again… and at its heart, for me it really a conversation about grace and grit.
For years, many high performers — and the organisations they lead — assumed that kindness weakens performance. That to stay competitive, you need to stay tough.
I used to believe that too.
But over time, and thanks to some brilliant coaches I’ve worked with, I realised it’s not a contradiction at all — it’s a dance.
A dance between honesty and humanity, between ambition and awareness.
There was a time when I thought being hard on myself was the only route to growth. If I slipped, I’d push harder, demand more, tighten the pressure.
It worked for a while — until the same voice that once kept me sharp started keeping me small.
Through coaching and neuroscience, I learned that self-compassion isn’t indulgent. It’s the foundation for sustainable growth. It lets us face reality with clarity rather than collapse.
The Neuroscience Behind It
When we’re self-critical, the brain’s threat system activates (Gilbert, 2010).Cortisol and adrenaline spike. Creativity narrows. We enter survival mode — not learning mode.
Self-compassion, on the other hand, activates the brain’s care system (Neff & Germer, 2018).This releases oxytocin and engages the prefrontal cortex — the part responsible for empathy, emotional regulation, reflection, and problem-solving. Exactly the qualities we want in our leaders.
And here’s the important part: Teams mirror what they see.
A leader who can say, “I made a mistake — let’s learn from it, ”creates a culture where accountability comes from ownership, not fear.
A compassionate culture isn’t soft. It enables innovation, risk-taking, psychological safety, and genuine responsibility. In high-pressure environments, this balance becomes a competitive advantage.
So perhaps the real question isn’t:
“Can we be both kind and accountable?” But rather: “How do we build cultures where both can thrive?”
And for any leader — or anybody reading this — who wants to grow without burning out, there’s an even more personal question to sit with:
“What would shift in my leadership if I held myself to high standards without turning against myself in the process?”
Because leadership isn’t about perfection .It’s about creating conditions where people can fall, learn, and rise stronger.
Tips to Practising Compassionate Accountability
1. Name the learning, not the failure
Replace “I messed this up” with “Here’s what I’ll take forward next time.”
2. Slow the inner critic
Ask: Would I say this to someone I lead? If not, it probably isn’t useful.
3. Use the ‘pause and pivot’
Pause when something goes wrong. Regulate first, reflect second, respond third.
4. Make the expectation clear — to yourself and others
Compassion doesn’t mean lowering standards. It means supporting yourself to meet them.
5. Model it openly
A simple “I’m learning” from a leader gives everyone permission to step up, not hide.
Ready to Build This Into Your Leadership?
If you’d like support weaving compassionate accountability into your leadership or your organisation, I’d love to explore it with you. You can book a 30-minute conversation here:
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