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Taking It Personally
- katrincharlton
- Dec 20, 2025
- 3 min read
Why it’s normal – and why or how you don’t have to believe every thought you have.
No greeting. No “thank you”. No feedback.
Just a short email in response to a piece of work I had put real thought and care into.
Almost immediately, my mind filled the gap.
I haven’t done a good job.
I’ve missed the mark.
This reflects badly on me.
Nothing like that had been said. And yet, the conclusion felt instant and real.
This is often how taking things personally starts – not with facts, but with silence.
When the brain fills the gaps
Our brains don’t like uncertainty.
When information is missing, the brain steps in to complete the picture.
From a neuroscience perspective, this is exactly what it is designed to do. The brain is predictive. It constantly anticipates and fills in blanks using past experiences, emotional memory and learned patterns.
Under pressure, it values speed over accuracy.
So when:
feedback is brief
tone is unclear
communication is minimal the brain creates a story.
Very often, that story turns inward.
This isn’t a weakness. It’s biology.
Taking things personally is a very human response – especially when you care and your standards are high.
The real challenge isn’t the thought – it’s believing it
This is where the work of Byron Katie is so helpful.
At the heart of her approach is a simple but powerful idea:
A thought is just a thought – not necessarily the truth.
Most of us treat our thoughts as facts. Yet they are interpretations, shaped by stress, expectations, past experiences and identity.
Byron Katie invites us to pause and ask:
Is it true?
Can I absolutely know that it’s true?
That pause alone can soften the story.
What neuroscience tells us about pausing
When something feels personal, the brain’s threat system becomes more active.
Thinking narrows. We react faster and reflect less.
Questioning a thought helps bring the prefrontal cortex back online – the part of the brain responsible for perspective, reasoning and emotional regulation.
In simple terms:
less emotional charge
more clarity
better choices
This isn’t about positive thinking. It’s about accurate thinking.
Why capable people still take things personally
Many capable, high-performing leaders are surprised by how strongly they react internally.
This isn’t about being thin-skinned. It’s usually about caring.
When your work matters, ambiguity can feel threatening because it touches identity – not just performance.
A helpful reframe:
Most behaviour is not a judgement of you.
It is shaped by:
pressure and workload
communication habits
competing priorities
someone else’s internal world
Neuroscience reminds us that under stress, people lose nuance. Their communication becomes shorter, not more meaningful.
A simple practice when you notice yourself personalising
Next time you feel yourself taking something personally, try this:
Name the thought:
“The thought I’m having is that I haven’t done a good job.”
Question it
Is it true? Can I absolutely know it’s true?
Widen the lens
What else might explain this situation?
Decide with intention
You may realise it isn’t true – and let the thought go.
You may decide it might be true.
Or you may conclude that part of it is true.
Either way, you still have choice. If it is true, you can respond rather than react: ask for feedback, reflect, adjust, make a plan.
The key is this:you have challenged the thought and reclaimed agency.
Return to your values
How do I want to respond in a way that reflects who I am?
Often, that’s enough to shift both how you feel and how you respond.
Not taking things personally doesn’t mean you stop caring
This matters.
It doesn’t mean becoming detached or indifferent. It means developing emotional maturity and self-leadership.
It means:
recognising thoughts as mental events, not facts
regulating your nervous system under pressure
responding with intention rather than reacting
leading from values instead of threat
Quiet skills. Powerful impact.
A gentle invitation
If you notice that you often take things personally – especially during times of pressure or transition – you’re not alone.
This is the kind of work I support clients with: creating space between thoughts and reactions, strengthening emotional regulation, and leading with more clarity and calm.
If you’re curious to explore this in a supportive, science-informed way, you’re very welcome to get in touch or book a complimentary discovery call.
Sometimes, one conversation is enough to change how you see things.
A final reflection
You don’t need to stop having thoughts.
You just don’t have to believe every one of them.
A question to sit with:
Which thought are you currently treating as fact – that might simply be a story?
Further reading & resources
If you’d like to explore this further:
Loving What Is – Byron Katie A practical guide to questioning stressful thoughts.
Resilient – Rick Hanson Insightful neuroscience-based guidance on emotional steadiness.
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